Spoonful of sugar…

Suffering chronic pain doesn’t mean I am not able to do things. It just means that I need to think about how I am going to spend my energy. Think of your energy as spoons. You only have a certain amount of spoons for your entire day. And every little thing costs you a spoon. Most of you have plenty of spoons to go around. You don’t have to think about saving any. I, on the other hand, only have a small amount. Getting out of bed costs me 1 spoon and on bad days even two. Putting on my clothes costs me another. Dealing with toxic people costs a lot of spoons. And sometimes I get a spoon back from love, friendship and family.

Having these spoons isn’t bad. Being aware of them is just plain good. I know how much I can do and I can plan my days accordingly. So yes, I am able to do things! I can work. I can have fun. I can go out. It’s just that being very busy on this day, means I can’t do much on the day before of after. Having a life just requires a lot of planning for me.


You know what, keeping a positive attitude can be very difficult when you are in pain. Constantly. All the freakin’ time. When I am being honest and tell people the truth about how I feel, they just tell me to be positive. And all I can think is: screw you! You have no idea how I feel or what goes on in my mind. You just think you do, but there is no-one that knows how it feels to be me, except for me. It hurts and if I want to complain about it, then I have every right to do so.

Why should I lie about how I truly feel? Because of you? Because you feel awkward when I’m honest? People just don’t care anymore. All they want to hear is that you’re fine, busy, but fine. And even if you are not, don’t you dare to be chronic ill. Complaining is one thing, but it can’t take too long. Then they just think you are faking it, or that it’s just all in your head. People can be cruel when they don’t understand it. Or even more cruel when they think they do.

You really have no idea how it is!

You don’t live my life. Only I do. Even those close to me cannot understand how it is to be me. You don’t have the same history, the same mind, the same body. You don’t have a clue what it’s like. So don’t tell me to be positive when you don’t understand it. Because I am positive, every single day. Even on those horrible days when it feels like I can’t take anymore. Even on those days I stay positive. Lucky for me those days are very rare. But I do have bad days, very bad days. And I still manage to find something positive in those days. So don’t tell me to be more positive.

Facebook is unforgiving. Some of my so called friends judge me harshly for things I post. And mostly because they can only focus on the negative and can’t even see the positive. So I am just as shallow on there as is expected from me. Not all the time, as I still find it hard not to be honest. Lucky for me there is this option called delete. But the one place where you can see my positivity, is my instagram. And I have thought about it and decided that instagram will be my happy place. I will try to post all the positive things I encounter daily. So on bad days, I have something to look at. Just to give that extra boost of positivity. No fake posts, just the truth. Just honesty. And maybe I will post something that seems small to a normal person. Just remember that on some days for me even the smallest things can be a big thing.

Care to follow me on instagram? Just search for henriekec

Got wood?

I think I have found my hobby. Only problem is, I still need to find that money tree. I’ve been doing some DIY. With wood. Reclaimed wood. And I love it!!! But now, all the wood is gone and there is currently no money for new wood. Which sucks. Big time. Thank god for Pinterest, though! I’ve been pinning and searching and more pinning. All nice stuff for me to build. As soon as the money ship comes rolling in, that is ūüėČ

Available on Amazon!!

A dream has come true. Without me knowing, one of my books has been translated into English. And not just that, it even is available on Amazon!! Isn’t that just freakin’ amazing??! Now everyone in the United States can order my book Lost in time. Just go to this page: Lost in time on Amazon

When you click the link, you might notice something strange. I am listed with two different last names. On the book it says ‘Stevens’ and in the description it says ‘Christians’. It might look weird, but it’s not. It’s just a bit of miscommunication as I recently got married! So both names are correct actually :)

If you do order a copy, please let me know. I would love to hear from you!! Just send an email to me through this link.

It’s been a while

I do apologize for not posting for such a long time. But I’ve been busy. So very busy!

Well, not really… I haven’t been busy to post updates, or news, or anything. I just forgot or didn’t feel like it. A lot has happened in my life this last year. Just not things I wanna write about. I’ve been through hell. My life wasn’t going as planned, I felt like crap and most of all I didn’t felt like a mom. However, things are changing. I feel a whole lot better now! Still not completely there yet, but that will take a long time. Just taking one step at a time.

Meanwhile, some things happened. I got married!!! Last week it was my honour to say yes to the love of my life. It was the most perfect day. I felt fantastic, I felt beautiful and I felt loved. I couldn’t stop smiling and looking at my handsome husband. Our kids got married too. At least, that is what our oldest one keeps telling us. They looked so pretty in their dresses! A new chapter has begun and I love it.

With all the wedding preparations over, I am again busy looking for a job. I would love to be a stay at home mom. But we can’t afford it. Life is just too expensive! And a small part of me would love to be back at work. I really like doing marketing and being around grown-ups all day.

For now, I will try and post more. As I said, most of the time I just simply forget. I do apologize in advanced ūüėČ

Work in progress

How do you deal with things from the past? Will you ignore everything that’s happened to you? Or are you tormented by your memories? Meet Kate, she had her own troubles growing up. And just like every person has its own way of dealing with events from their childhood, so does Kate. She didn’t dealt with them. She just hid all of those memories away. Far away. Now as an adult she struggles to live her life. Without the memories taking over. She is living a double life; in her journals she is herself and lets the memories loose. However in real life she hides behind a mask, being the loving wife and mother everyone thinks she is.

Kate isn’t real. She is the main character of the third book I am trying to write. Kate is me and yet she isn’t. A few things about her are based on me, on my own childhood, on the way I deal with things. The idea for this book has been with me for a lot of years now. It is completely the opposite from my previous two books. This one is a lot more serious and a lot more personal.

It is hard to describe the type of story. It is modern fictional. Yet there are elements in there, that are based on my own life. This book will tackle how you, in your adult life, will deal with the fact that you grew up with an alcoholic parent. I hope it will bring people to tears and will make them smile. I want people to be touched by this story, to be moved. But most of all, I do hope it will raise peoples awareness about alcoholism.

So, how would I describe the story? I would say it is a biography as well as a drama and fiction. I would call it a modern bificdra (fictional biography fictional drama).

Faithful readers of my blog know I’ve been working on this book for a long time now. As it is very personal and deals with things I dealt with growing up, it can be difficult to write at times. Writing this story is like talking to a psychiatrist. I need to face my own demons to be able to write those of Kate. I promised this before and I will promise it again. I will finish this book. I truly will. It won’t be tomorrow and it won’t be next month. But I will finish it.

I haven’t found a publisher for this book yet. So if you are one and interested, or if you know one, please contact me through this link.


Usually when you keep a blog, you post stuff on it. Frequently. And not once every few months like me. It is not that nothing is happening in my life or anything. I just forget about sharing it most of the time. Or I think of something to write in the middle of the night, fall asleep and can’t remember what I wanted to do in the morning. I might have messed up my short term memory or maybe my head is just spinning with too many thoughts.

But here I am, writing a new entry. And I totally forgot what I wanted to tell you. Besides an apology. I am very sorry for not writing more often. I wish I could tell you I am busy working on my third book. But I am not. I am not working on a book at all. Still suffering from that annoying writers block. Mostly I just enjoy spending time with my little girl. Occasionally reading a book (just finished the Hunger Games series). And still looking for a new job.

So, not much to tell at this moment. Reading this was probably an entire waste of your time. But hey, now I am good for at least another month with my blog. I mean… it would be really freaky if I would post something here for a second time this month. That would almost seem like I care ūüėČ


Today is the day. Today I celebrate my first¬†Attalossiversary!!! Today a year ago it all started. I woke up one morning, checked my Twitter and saw this band from L.A. following me. Not knowing them, I checked their website, I checked their music and it happened. I fell in love with Attaloss. As the weeks went by, I got to know Kota, Danny, Chris, Zo and Matt a lot better. You just have to love their music, but once you get to know these guys, you are really hooked. What an amazing guys! Such big hearts, such great souls. They made it easy to become a fan. But they made it even easier to become their friend.¬†But it didn’t end there. Then there were these fans. This incredible group of women from all over the world. And with them I have gained a warm and loving family.

I cannot write this without getting a bit teary eyed. All of them have been there for me when I needed it the most. When I was down, one of them was bound to pick me up and to make me smile. Watching those live video chats early mornings, filled with the crazy energy these guys have, was the best part of my week. When I needed a chat, someone to talk to, I knew I could count on one of them to be there to listen. Guys, you stood by me when I needed it the most. You made me laugh, you even made me cry a couple of times and your music filled my soul. I cannot thank you enough for being here. For making the music that you do. And for my girls, The Alliance, you are my family and I cannot live without you. One day I will get to hold you, hug you and thank you in person. I just know I will. But for now, this will have to do. Thank you all!!

I’ve written this poem a while ago. I hope you enjoy it. It is what music does to me and it fits perfectly for my one year Attalossiversary.

At the soft sounds of the very first notes
Deep within a sparkle comes to life
Even before the first chorus
Words are forming in my mind
Every single tune triggers a new emotion
Drifting away from the here and now

Listening to a song
I am what I want to be 
I am losing myself in time
As I am dipping myself into this music
I let my imagination run wild

No rules
No boundaries
Just me

The dark sounds of a drum
Sends a shiver down my spine
The melody of a guitar
Can bring tears to my eyes
And with the sweet caress of a voice
I am lifted off to the skies

Writers block

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am dealing with a pretty heavy writers block. And not only is it a writers block, it is also a reading block. Me, the girl who devours books, has lost all interest. I just can’t seem to relax enough or something. I find it impossible to just sit down with a book and loose myself in the story the way I used to do. There is too much to do, too much going on in my mind. And honestly? I really, really miss it. Reading a book used to be my way to relax. Too let every problem go and stop worrying for a second. Right now, I just can’t.

Besides of not being able to just relax enough to focus on a book, I find it impossible to write one myself. As you might know, I’ve been working on one for quite a while now. It is my baby, my little treasure. Writing it, however, seems to be a problem. So thanks to the advice of a friend of mine, I am slowly moving into the writing game again. And by slowly, I mean writing what I am good at. Totally nonsense and mushy, heartwarming and cheap romantic fiction. I’ve started on a few a while ago and already one came into mind that might be nice to¬†continue¬†on. All I need to do now is dig deep in my archives and see what I’ve already came up with.

I am still a writer, despite the fact that I can’t even write a single page at the moment. It still is somewhere inside of me. And hopefully, by starting slow and simple again, it will pop back up on to the surface.

Lost posts

Just updated WordPress and what surprise did I get when visiting the site? The incredible¬†disappearing¬†act of a few posts! Oh well… Might be the time to start again. An early Spring cleaning so to say. Will be deleting some posts and will place a few new ones today and the upcoming week. Will try to explain why I haven’t posted anything lately or why I have trouble writing at the moment. This is not a small writers block, this is a freakin’ giant of a writers block. So, hang on tight. Things will be changing!