Work in progress

How do you deal with things from the past? Will you ignore everything that’s happened to you? Or are you tormented by your memories? Meet Kate, she had her own troubles growing up. And just like every person has its own way of dealing with events from their childhood, so does Kate. She didn’t dealt with them. She just hid all of those memories away. Far away. Now as an adult she struggles to live her life. Without the memories taking over. She is living a double life; in her journals she is herself and lets the memories loose. However in real life she hides behind a mask, being the loving wife and mother everyone thinks she is.

Kate isn’t real. She is the main character of the third book I am trying to write. Kate is me and yet she isn’t. A few things about her are based on me, on my own childhood, on the way I deal with things. The idea for this book has been with me for a lot of years now. It is completely the opposite from my previous two books. This one is a lot more serious and a lot more personal.

It is hard to describe the type of story. It is modern fictional. Yet there are elements in there, that are based on my own life. This book will tackle how you, in your adult life, will deal with the fact that you grew up with an alcoholic parent. I hope it will bring people to tears and will make them smile. I want people to be touched by this story, to be moved. But most of all, I do hope it will raise peoples awareness about alcoholism.

So, how would I describe the story? I would say it is a biography as well as a drama and fiction. I would call it a modern bificdra (fictional biography fictional drama).

Faithful readers of my blog know I’ve been working on this book for a long time now. As it is very personal and deals with things I dealt with growing up, it can be difficult to write at times. Writing this story is like talking to a psychiatrist. I need to face my own demons to be able to write those of Kate. I promised this before and I will promise it again. I will finish this book. I truly will. It won’t be tomorrow and it won’t be next month. But I will finish it.

I haven’t found a publisher for this book yet. So if you are one and interested, or if you know one, please contact me through this link.

Oops

Usually when you keep a blog, you post stuff on it. Frequently. And not once every few months like me. It is not that nothing is happening in my life or anything. I just forget about sharing it most of the time. Or I think of something to write in the middle of the night, fall asleep and can’t remember what I wanted to do in the morning. I might have messed up my short term memory or maybe my head is just spinning with too many thoughts.

But here I am, writing a new entry. And I totally forgot what I wanted to tell you. Besides an apology. I am very sorry for not writing more often. I wish I could tell you I am busy working on my third book. But I am not. I am not working on a book at all. Still suffering from that annoying writers block. Mostly I just enjoy spending time with my little girl. Occasionally reading a book (just finished the Hunger Games series). And still looking for a new job.

So, not much to tell at this moment. Reading this was probably an entire waste of your time. But hey, now I am good for at least another month with my blog. I mean… it would be really freaky if I would post something here for a second time this month. That would almost seem like I care ;)

Attalossiversary

Today is the day. Today I celebrate my first Attalossiversary!!! Today a year ago it all started. I woke up one morning, checked my Twitter and saw this band from L.A. following me. Not knowing them, I checked their website, I checked their music and it happened. I fell in love with Attaloss. As the weeks went by, I got to know Kota, Danny, Chris, Zo and Matt a lot better. You just have to love their music, but once you get to know these guys, you are really hooked. What an amazing guys! Such big hearts, such great souls. They made it easy to become a fan. But they made it even easier to become their friend. But it didn’t end there. Then there were these fans. This incredible group of women from all over the world. And with them I have gained a warm and loving family.

I cannot write this without getting a bit teary eyed. All of them have been there for me when I needed it the most. When I was down, one of them was bound to pick me up and to make me smile. Watching those live video chats early mornings, filled with the crazy energy these guys have, was the best part of my week. When I needed a chat, someone to talk to, I knew I could count on one of them to be there to listen. Guys, you stood by me when I needed it the most. You made me laugh, you even made me cry a couple of times and your music filled my soul. I cannot thank you enough for being here. For making the music that you do. And for my girls, The Alliance, you are my family and I cannot live without you. One day I will get to hold you, hug you and thank you in person. I just know I will. But for now, this will have to do. Thank you all!!

I’ve written this poem a while ago. I hope you enjoy it. It is what music does to me and it fits perfectly for my one year Attalossiversary.

At the soft sounds of the very first notes
Deep within a sparkle comes to life
Even before the first chorus
Words are forming in my mind
Every single tune triggers a new emotion
Drifting away from the here and now

Listening to a song
I am what I want to be 
I am losing myself in time
As I am dipping myself into this music
I let my imagination run wild

No rules
No boundaries
Just me

The dark sounds of a drum
Sends a shiver down my spine
The melody of a guitar
Can bring tears to my eyes
And with the sweet caress of a voice
I am lifted off to the skies

Writers block

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am dealing with a pretty heavy writers block. And not only is it a writers block, it is also a reading block. Me, the girl who devours books, has lost all interest. I just can’t seem to relax enough or something. I find it impossible to just sit down with a book and loose myself in the story the way I used to do. There is too much to do, too much going on in my mind. And honestly? I really, really miss it. Reading a book used to be my way to relax. Too let every problem go and stop worrying for a second. Right now, I just can’t.

Besides of not being able to just relax enough to focus on a book, I find it impossible to write one myself. As you might know, I’ve been working on one for quite a while now. It is my baby, my little treasure. Writing it, however, seems to be a problem. So thanks to the advice of a friend of mine, I am slowly moving into the writing game again. And by slowly, I mean writing what I am good at. Totally nonsense and mushy, heartwarming and cheap romantic fiction. I’ve started on a few a while ago and already one came into mind that might be nice to continue on. All I need to do now is dig deep in my archives and see what I’ve already came up with.

I am still a writer, despite the fact that I can’t even write a single page at the moment. It still is somewhere inside of me. And hopefully, by starting slow and simple again, it will pop back up on to the surface.

Lost posts

Just updated WordPress and what surprise did I get when visiting the site? The incredible disappearing act of a few posts! Oh well… Might be the time to start again. An early Spring cleaning so to say. Will be deleting some posts and will place a few new ones today and the upcoming week. Will try to explain why I haven’t posted anything lately or why I have trouble writing at the moment. This is not a small writers block, this is a freakin’ giant of a writers block. So, hang on tight. Things will be changing!

Building a life

It’s been a month since I moved into my new place. Only a month. Yet it feels more like a year. So many things happened. Good things and bad things. No one said it would be easy, most of all me. I knew it would be hard, I knew I would have moments where I felt like drowning. But I survived the first month.

With the start of the new year, it really feels like a new start. There are still a lot of things on my to do list. Most important of all is getting a job. The pressure is high and so are my worries. It isn’t easy getting a job these days. I am not the only one looking and I am certainly not the best. All I can do is keep trying. Sooner or later some company will realize what an asset I am. Until then I just need to do what I can to get by.

Another thing on my to do list is painting the stairs and I’m not looking forward to it. It’s a lot of work. First I need to sand it down, clean off all the glue from the carpet that used to be on it. Then I need to paint it. I already know the color scheme; black and white. It will be perfect and will fit in nicely with the black and white tiled floor in the hallway.

And last but not least… I really need to continue with my third book. Sometime this year, though. Writing it right now would just be too hard and too emotional. So, no rush. Just sometime this year.

These three points aren’t the only things I have on my to do list. But if I would discuss all of them with you, you would have a lot of reading to do. So for now, these are it. Although the first one is really determines when I will do the second and in a way the third. And to be honest also the rest of the points. I just need to get a job. I really do…

 

It’s a jolly, Merry Christmas

I was not looking forward to the holidays, not at all. No work, no daughter and no one to celebrate it with. First Christmas alone and it made me nervous. In the end it wasn’t so bad at all. I’ve spent it with family and most important with my 103 year old grandmother, a.k.a. my hero. But the best part of Christmas this year was that things may not go to plan, but can lead you to better things. On Monday I was still dreading the upcoming days. But sometimes you must let your worries drift away, just go with the flow and be guided. Instead of  trying to keep control yourself. Because once I did that only better things came my way. So in the end, I had a great Christmas and best of all… I didn’t spent it alone.

A good heart

I started to believe it was a myth, an urban legend, a fairy tale, or something else. After this weekend I know it does exist and not just by one. No, by many. There really are still people on this earth who will help you when you are in need. Who go out of their way to give you something, even though it may be something small, it comes from their heart. And that is the best gift, the best help you can ever receive. This weekend I’ve received three surprises. One from someone very dear to me in America and the other two from friends I haven even met in person (although I haven’t even met the dear friend in America either). Anyway, I am now the proud owner of an Attaloss hoodie, my baby girl has a fantastic Attaloss t-shirt and some other great clothes and I have received all kinds of lovely goodies for my new home! It already felt like Christmas this weekend! Each and every one of these gifts made me cry. Because I know they came from their heart and well, because I am a total fangirl of Attaloss ;) Getting to know that band really changed my life, for the better that is. I’ve gained so many new and wonderful friends thanks to them and hey, it doesn’t hurt that their music is great! Being part of The Alliance really is like being part of a family. With a mother, many sisters and very crazy other siblings  Not to mention the guys from the band… Crazy is to mild to describe some of them!

Anyway, I am really blessed with these friends. Some girls really surprised me this weekend with their gift. I wasn’t expecting it and it felt so wonderful opening it and taking every single item out of the box. So, thank you. Thank you for having such a good heart. For truly being a friend in need!

Thank you so much!

Time flies!

What a crazy few weeks it has been and still is! I am so busy each and every day, that I can’t even tell if I’m walking straight or not. Between work, my new place, my gorgeous daughter and everything else, there is hardly any time to just sit back and relax. Which is kinda handy at the moment as I am suffering from a cold for a few weeks now. It has threatened to turn into a flu. But with just no time to even relax, the cold hasn’t gotten any change to turn into something more.

Now, about my new place. It is getting there, it finally starts to feel like a home now! With the help of two good friends this weekend, almost all the floors are in. And thanks to the help of a very friendly neighbor  I now have two sofa’s… for free!! There still is some good in this world ;)

In the meantime I am also looking for a new job. Which is very stressful and not that easy when you can’t work full time due to your daughter and the outrageous costs of daycare. If anyone of you could keep their eyes and ears open for any job opportunities in the North of Holland, I would be very grateful! Anything to do with marketing and communication would be perfect.

DIY

In the near future you might see some posts from me about DIY. Why? Well, I’ve just received the keys to my new home. And the whole house is a work in progress. Right now the main focus is getting it ready to be lived in. This means placing the laminate flooring, putting up wallpaper and moving in furniture. Once I have moved in, I will do the rest. And the rest will keep me busy for a while. I need to do the garden (which is a to do list on its own), sand and paint the stairs, paint a few walls, sand and paint 5 doors and I’m sure there were a some more things I need to do. No one can ever blame me of not taking on a project! As soon as I have moved in, this blog will become my DIY blog as well. I will keep you amused with before and after photos. Should be fun ;)